Up periscope!

Well I am going to share a story with you that may make you want to never read this blog again for fear. Let me start as always with a little back story. Did you know that March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness month? Well it truly is and to commemorate the festivities I have signed up to have a live action movie shot in my colon! Okay that’s not exactly true but almost. I am going for a colonoscopy on Wednesday, talk about fun. Speaking of here is a fun fact “Colon cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the United States, second only to lung cancer. In 2005, an estimated 104,950 new cases will be diagnosed, and an estimated 56,290 patients will die of the disease” that’s a happy thought isn’t it?
Now before I get you all worked up to the best of my knowledge I am perfectly healthy (for someone who’s overweight and gets virtually no physical exercise), but I think you might be coming down with something serious. The reason for the roto-rooter action is that my father had colon cancer in his early thirties and subsequently had all but a small section of his large intestine removed. Fortunately for us he survived a harrowing experience with the big “C” and will likely live to be a very old (and mean too). Because of this family history I am considered “at risk” and must ensure that I am checked regularly to ensure that I am able to grow old enough to be a burden to my children. I spoke with my doctor who sent up my exam and told him that I have my head up there most of the time as it is and would be happy to look around and tell him what I see but he was insistent that a professional butt doc must perform the exam. Hey I am just trying to do my part to keep medical cost down.
I am not really that concerned about the procedure itself, I am more preoccupied with the preparations. First I am to have no solid food for the entire day tomorrow (which is enough to make a guy like me bite someone’s arm off because it looked kinda like a Snickers bar through the fog of starvation) and secondly I have to take laxatives to expedite the evacuation of the brown bombers. Nothing sounds more appealing than bringing on what amounts to an intentional case of Montezuma’s revenge. So if you see me walking quickly down the hall with a panicked look on my face, for the love of all that is clean and good don’t try to stop and chat me up!